Merriam-Webster defines intention as: “a determination to act in a certain way, of Import, significance.” Putting my intentions/goals in a journal gives me a place to visually see what is important for me to be intentional about doing for the year, kind of a big picture view of life/lifestyle adjustments (intentions) and a few specific things I want to accomplish (goals). This year setting intentions and goals feel more overwhelming than usual, probably because I’ve found myself needing to quickly adjust and learn new things in order to function in new ways with all that is going on in the world.

On my intentions ~ goals page I decided to make it a soft start in January by putting only one thing on the page - the thing I don’t do well: exercise, or movement as I now refer to it. I made it easy, even broad in the way I could accomplish it, and I failed. But then I asked myself, what if I looked at it differently? 

I didn’t put the things on my page that I was already doing well. What if I added those to the list?  Since I want to keep doing those, I decided to add some of those. What if I also made room in my intentions and goals for some rest and fun?  Would I actually be more productive and live out my intentions and goals? This began my process…

What to do following failure?

I found January was very full and with all that is going on in the world at large, close to home, in my relationships, and in myself; it was hard to keep on keeping on. When I looked at my intentions and goals page for 2021 with only one thing on it, I felt the failure. But then I asked myself, what if I looked at it differently? I didn’t put the things on my page that I was already doing well. What if I added those to the list?  So I did since I want to keep doing those. What if I made room in my intentions and goals for some rest and fun?

Replacing shame with grace

What if I replaced grace in the place of shame, and just started over today with that one thing? Shame, feeling like a failure, has caused me to give up in the past, but what if I didn’t give up? So I restarted in February and am doing much better - not perfectly, but better, for my health instead of achieving my goal.

Grieving the losses

The past year we’ve been shaken up on so many levels and in so many ways. One of those shakings is relationships. More than once, I’ve been startled by personal interactions that have been hurtful or disappointing. If I look at my relationships like concentric circles with closer relationships in the inner circle/s, I realized some of my people and I are now moving in different orbits, moving away from one another. This seems to happen during life changes and shifts in callings, or when people realize they no longer share the same values. It is loss and grief is natural. Feelings of grief wash over me, sometimes at the oddest times. After stopping to considering this, I realize this has been going on all last year and is continuing. Gentleness is needed when dealing with myself and others, and believing God is not done with any of us.

Grace & guarding my heart

Grace has a number of meanings including: ‘unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification; a virtue coming from God; a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance.’ https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/grace) Also an act of kindness, an attractive trait, beauty of movement, and the ability to do something smoothly, or effortlessly. I need grace to get through the day, and also to guard my heart.

Keeping my heart free from hurt, resentment, or anger is critical right now. More grace is needed with more grace to be given. Forgiving self and others, accepting we all make choices and live with them. Each day I ask God for grace, and also ask in prayer, 

‘Lord, what are you giving me grace for today?’

As a high-feeling creative, it is easy to feel almost paralyzed and sink into the protection of nothingness or comforting activity - like eating carbs and sugar, which has resulted in the additional covid-15 pounds. (More grace inserted here)

Recently, I have often felt a desperation, and need to surrender, a dying to self, in order to move through the day. Each day I need to be willing to let go of my agenda and be flexible. This is quite hard for me. I am choosing to forgive and release negativity from my soul, replacing it with God’s love, believing the Holy Trinity loves me and is always present. 

What is helping

I’ve touched on some of these before and am finding the following still helpful in daily life.

• Taking time to worship with music and focus on God rather than myself or circumstances is helping me not sink into despair.

• Writing a line each day in my journal of what I am thankful for is helping me see good instead of focusing on the bad things going on.

• Focus my thoughts on uplifting Scripture. The Holy Bible is God’s love letter to us, and through the presence of Holy Spirit we can gain incredible courage and strength in spite of what is going on around us.

• Minimizing social media activity and less watching of news for my personal well being. I even took the facebook app off my phone and was surprised at the relief I felt and time I gained.

• Taking the pressure off myself to get things done in a quick timeframe like I used to. I am intentional about affirming myself for getting anything done, which brings me to the one thing that is helping me the most when feeling overwhelmed. I mentioned it in another post, and honestly it is so simple and it works

• Connecting with a like-hearted friend via something like Zoom has been helpful to not feel alone.

  Just do the next thing!

  This has been my most helpful thing in moving forward: I ask, what is the next thing I need to do? Only one single thing, not the next two things. Then I do that one baby step, regardless of how I feel. I’m finding I am actually moving steadily forward, although sometimes it feels like slowly slogging through mud BUT that one little thing gets done!

If you’re still reading, thank you. I hope you are doing well and find something in this post has encouraged or helped you in some way, even if it’s that you are not alone in how you feel.

Blessings to you for grace to keep on keeping on!

Valerie

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