Dis-appointment

I didn't really want to post this picture from my visual prayer journal. It's too raw, too negative, too needy and probably too personal. It lacks beauty. But I can't seem to get past it and in my mind I am hearing the still small voice telling me it will encourage someone.  

Often, I am not afraid of what will happen, but that nothing will.  That I will reach the end and find it didn't make a difference after all…. That kind of thinking impacts blogging too, when posting feels like crying into the wind with just words blowing back in my face, and wondering…. Disappointing silence and nothingness. When I feel that way it often helps a bit  to read other blogs and respond with a comment.

I'm talking about feelings, not necessarily truth, which brings to mind a college professor who said, "You can believe what you want as long as you know it is your truth not someone else'." But isn't there truth beyond what I think or feel? Don't most people want Truth to be bigger than themselves and long to be a part of something more significant than their own ideas, appetites, or even life spans? For so many years I was taught and focused on what to believe, but now my focus is on experience, experiencing the Truth. It's not that belief is not important or that there is not absolute truth. I absolutely believe in those things. But the foundation of belief and truth has to be love. As the Apostle Paul says in I Timothy 1:5-6:

"… be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith. But some people have missed this whole point. They have turned away from these things and spend their time in meaningless discussions."

So I ask myself, "What really matters?" "What have I experienced?" 

• I can pour my heart out utterly to God, and He still faithfully loves me, even when He is silent. In fact He never leaves me.

• Excruciating times have been used to develop my character, direct my life, and redefine my priorities

• God's love for me or my worth does not depend on what I do, who has or hasn't loved me, or my success in the eyes of the world.

• Because God loves me, He gives me the capacity to love others. I cannot do it on my own

I also know that it is true for you too, for each one of us. We are connected in our humanity and our need for grace and love. God loves each one of us and only out of that experience of receiving His love can we pour love into others. I am longing and learning. Sometimes the hard part about learning more is that what I learn most is how much I don't know and how much I need to improve. 

And now I hear that still small voice again

, "Yes, but I am with you and I love you!"

So I pray:

"More love, more power, more of You in my life!"