I believed fully for healing and rejoiced in the good report. Then the news came. Leukemia was back... for the third time. I wrestled hard, angry, not understanding, grieving. When faced with this type of situation in the past I have tended to pull back from God, but this time, determined not to, I pressed in, coming to God with unguarded emotion and questions. Then finally crying out, "What do you want me to do with this?" Waiting. Then the still small voice to my heart. "I want you to be drawn so deep into my love, that you trust my love for you, for Darlene, for her family, more than you trust the outcome of your prayer." But how? Waiting. A heavy kind of peace settled on me and I sensed God taking my burden. I don't know how long I was in that presence, but my faith changed. I found myself relating to Martha, in John 11, when she goes out to meet Jesus after Lazarus had died and was put in the tomb. I said, "Lord, if you had healed my friend, Darlene would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him." Jesus is saying to me, "Your friend will rise again." I say to him, "I know that she will rise again in the resurrection on the last day." Jesus is saying to me, "I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" I answer, "Yes, Lord, I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one coming into the world." (Personalized from the Bible, John 11:21-27 NRSV)

When I visited Darlene recently in the hospital, I asked if I could pray for healing. She said yes, and I prayed for healing each time I saw her, believing in the God who loves us, and leaving the outcome in His hands. During that same conversation, Darlene Carlson said,

"I am surrendered, but I haven't given up."

She also said she was at peace. Shown above, I put Darlene's quote into visual expression using a silhouette of mine I use often. I chose it because it seems like Darlene saying, "I am surrendered and have risen above my circumstances and am at home with myself."

Darlene Carlson, my Friend, full of Life!

Darlene is one of the most authentic and caring people I've ever known. By being transparent herself, she gave those around her permission to be themselves. In that way, Darlene set the tone for our friendship that began over 20 years ago. We shared honestly, had deep conversations, shared the joys everyday life in raising children, we voiced doubts, worked through misunderstandings, celebrated as family, were silly, and laughed uproariously.

Darlene, passed away last Friday. It is hard to to imagine life without her here. The surreal jumbled fog of grief washes over me now and then. I'm not unfamiliar with it. Each time a loved one dies, grief comes like the first time, taking me off guard all of a sudden, in waves.

Another friend of mine, Mary George-Whittle who is a chaplain for elderly people, ushers 40-50 people into afterlife each year. Five years ago I asked Mary, "How do people die?" She answered, "I've found, people die how they live." That simple statement still challenges me to live well today with a view of eternity. Darlene did that.

With this last relapse of leukemia, Darlene made a list of who she wanted to see and what she wanted to say and then she did it. She didn't focus on her illness. Darlene was all about relationships. She said it often and lived it. Even in hospice, when I walked in her room, she would ask me the question she always asked, "What's going on with you?"

We carry each other's stories. How we carry them matters. Life really is all about relationships.

A remembrance written for Darlene in the margin space of my May 2015 calendar.

Expressing Grief and Belief... A Tribute