It’s been a hard journey the past few years. It’s not been hard just for me, but for all of us with the pandemic and global unrest, and its aftermath.
I’m just going to be transparent here. After rallying in 2020, with the ‘Be Thou my Vision’ Celtic journey, I felt blessed in the midst of lockdowns, enduring chronic physical pain, navigating difficult family issues, cultural and political tensions, loss of friends either from moving or disagreements about pandemic issues, the deaths of family members, and having a severe, long-term case of Covid. Through the Celtic courses and the connections made during that time, I saw God meet us in our pain and the crazy unknowns. Holy Spirit moved through our creativity to help bring about consolation and I felt a sense of purpose. This extended through the following year with the making of the Plan with me course.
BUT the trauma from it all was big, and took its toll, adding that trauma to past trauma. My losses of a safe connected community, and my primary human relationship in peril was so sorrowful that I began to lose my hope and vision, journeying to the edge of desolation.
In spiritual direction training I learned about two personal states of being: consolation and desolation.
Consolation: the state of being comforted with support and relief that helps alleviate grief, sorrow, and disappointment. It is a place of solace, and inner peace.
Desolation: the state of being deprived of companionship or comfort, lonely, forsaken or abandon. Desolation is a barren place, a wasteland that is uninhabitable. In life and in the dictionary I looked the word up in, it comes right before despair.
Knowing I reached the end of myself, my capacity and my reserves, action was needed. When I realized the state of desolation I was in, I sought out counseling and I intentionally did the following listed after the journal page below.
Helpful Practices
Gratitude
Gratitude - Appreciating and entering into the memory of a time when I felt consolation and being thankful for goodness. Thanking God for the good things make me more open to receive goodness from God and open my mind to good pathways.
Prayer
Prayer - Listening and talking to God throughout my day kept me from feeling lonely most of the time. As much as I was able I surrendered all of me and everything in my life to God, being willing for my whole life to change if necessary. In my surrendering, I needed to release expectations I had for myself to accomplish and leave those with God too.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
~ Isaiah 41:10 ESV
Beauty
Beauty - Noticing and enjoying beauty lifts my spirit making life more beauty-full and wonder-full. If I couldn’t make art, I could look for beauty around me and take time to really observe it. Through this time the beauty of order and having things in order when I felt chaos pressing in was something I hadn’t appreciated to this extent before.
“Think of all the beauty still left around you, and be happy.”
~ Anne Frank
Nature
Nature - Experiencing nature increased nearly to the point of need during the stressful times. There is something about walking in the forest or along the shore that refuels me and gives me a clearer perspective. I always feel close to God when I am enjoying nature. It was interesting that ‘forest bathing’ became a thing since the beginning of Covid. Getting back to nature is restorative!
Going Deeper with God & others
Through this experience I was assured that The Triune God is very personal and present with me.
Jesus said to His followers,
“the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him;
but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you.
I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you.”
~ John 14:17-18 NKJV
Psalm 23 became my mantra. It was what I recited over and over again in my head when I was barely making it through Covid. Later, nearly each day, for months, I read Psalm 22:25 - Psalm 27, often reading and declaring the Psalms out loud.
Many days felt like slogging through mud, but God makes a way through when there seems to be no way.
God with skin on
When I needed Jesus to have skin on, He sent someone to me. I’m still amazed at the times I thought there was a dead end, and then God gave unexpected blessings through people. Here are some of the unexpected blessings I’ve received recently:
Through a small group in a book group at Deeper Walk International (https://deeperwalkinternational.org/), I met a new, dear friend and mentor who has helped me immensely through this time, and opened a door for more connections.
An art friend generously offered her home and studio to me while they were on vacation. What a blessing to get my art journaling out, use them, and leave them out for more than a week.
My oldest and dearest friend offered availability at their beach house providing a sweet blessing of beauty and nature.
During hard times I was able to visit a home in Idaho and get to know new and dear friends and visit family.
The time spent with our daughter’s family while we lived in our trailer on their driveway brought us all closer together, enjoying one another even more. I am so grateful for that added blessing!
I have a lot to be thankful for!
Learning, risks, changes, and a new year
This year we sold our primary home of 18 years and packed our stuff up to put into storage, not knowing what would be next, I found I couldn’t do some things I loved, such as cooking and making art whenever I wanted to. Those are the things I missed most the past 4-5 months.
For one of the first times in my life, I let go of the comfort of making things. Even as a young child, making was my way of soothing myself. Knowing the decisions made this year would not lead to making art was very risky for me. What I learned about myself is art making is an acceptable way that I’ve coped with stress and trauma. It has helped me cope with chaos, work through my feelings, aid in developing well-being and feel that I can be in control of something. It is also a passion and gift I am thankful for. More than ever, I see the value of art expression as a part of healing and I am compelled to find out and experience more.
During that time, I didn’t have the capacity to write a blog post or newsletter. For the first time in 13 years I didn’t post a series of blog posts on having a word for the year and starting the new year. It still surprises me when I think about it and there is a twinge of longing and loss. Fortunately there are still a lot of blog posts on my blog about it, so I may be revisiting those myself.
The sweet assurance through the past year’s experience is knowing my worth and identity are not in what I make or the act of making itself. I am loved by God regardless. That realization fills me with hope in a way that feels more free. I’m wondering what is in store for this year.
What about today and 2024?
Right now this time seems like much more than a new year - it is a new season of life for me. The ‘shoulds’ of the past have been sifted out and now in the following free fall, I’m finding my wings to fly in more freedom and joy.
Yes, I have a word for the year, and of course I still journal. There are still some unknowns and transitioning, but we have moved into a new home and I have a new, cozy studio to make things again. So many of our furnishings fit perfectly in our new home that it feels and looks like a confirmation of a blessing that is more than I asked for or imagined.
A new year has definitely begun. I look forward to connecting with you more and am anticipating a wonder-full year.
More on that later… This post is getting pretty long, but if you scroll a bit more I share some resources that have encouraged me this past year.
I hope your new year is off to a wonderful beginning.
May you be blessed with hope and year full of joy!
Valerie
Nourishing books of 2023 and into 2024:
The three following books I have from Audible. Disclaimer: There are a few Amazon links below. If you purchase following the link I receive a small percentage commission. It doesn’t add any cost to you. I also have the hard copy book of Deeper Walk. The books below have encouraged and helped me in my personal journey.
Resilient by John Eldridge (audio book)
I’m listening and re-listening to the chapters in this book right now, and taking notes. Of all the things I’ve read or listened to, the first chapter sums up where I’ve been, and where we’ve been since the beginning of the pandemic. Normally, being a visual learner, I prefer reading a hard copy book and sometimes to listen to audio books when I’m driving or cooking, but this audio book is so good because John Eldridge’s writing is so disarming and relatable, while his voice is soothing and hopeful. He also walks the reader through prayer activities at the end of each chapter.
Deeper Walk by Marcus Warner at https://deeperwalkinternational.org/
I read and listened to this book twice. It’s so practical and life-giving for my spiritual walk, I’m planning to revisit it again in 2024.
Rare Leadership by Marcus Warner & Jim Wilder
This book is a wonderful follow-up to Deeper Walk and has provided some key concepts Keith and I have applied to our lives and relationships.
My new and dear friend Elizabeth sent me the book recommendation by Ruth Meyers, 31 Days of Encouragement as we grow older. I’ve incorporated it into my daily practice. She also texted me the podcast below for starting the year. I recommend it: